Day 55 - When Will My Life Begin.

Wednesday.

It’s funny how life folds up to prepare you for what’s coming next.

I receive an email from school letting us know the latest news from the government: schools are expected to open from June 1st.

And I could’ve felt very, very anxious about it had I not walked to the woods last night. I would’ve probably lost it because I haven’t been in touch with reality for more than two months. As I’m reading the email I feel extremely glad I walked yesterday and I felt good about it. That my mind could get some air so I could let go of myself for a while and go back to my normal —at least a bit more normal, mindset.

But thinking about it, had I not written that post, Mom wouldn’t have picked up on the red flags I was unconsciously waving, and would’ve not convinced me to put the first foot out of the tower.

And I would’ve normalised feeling too much in my head as the new normal when in fact, it wasn’t.

So going back to the email, even though I still have some anxiety when thinking how it might go, or how I would take the ‘new back to normal’ (what is normal and what is not, I don’t know anymore… actually, what is normal? Can someone give a standard definition of what normal means? Anyway), my stress is not there anymore. And I think that all these courses, all this intensive meditation, the deep introspection and all this journaling may have been a way to take me back to the new normal reality in June. At least these are the dots I’m linking.

I wonder how June will be, not from an fearful or anxious perspective but from pure curiosity. I wonder how New Me will take going back to Good Old Routine… oh well, we’ll see. One thing I’ve deeply learned over these months is that we never know what’s coming up tomorrow, not even tonight.

For now I’ll go back to the woods tonight and carry on letting two months of tension in confinement go.

I think it’s a good plan.

And then, any day, my life will begin again. Although, somehow, I know it will be different. Only because somehow I feel different. It’s a good sign, I guess.

It feels right.