Wednesday.
The alarm wakes me up against my will. Ugh. Muscle-killer yoga session. I have my duvet making resistance… hide inside for five more minutes. Fight against the duvet and get on the mat more or less on time.
Uh… I feel so wobbly today. They’re doing so many stands on one leg… far too many. She wants us to master the art of yoga but today my master is hiding in the duvet. At some point I lose total balance and fall onto my bed —where my heart truly belongs this morning.
But I get back on track and complete the hour. She invites us to be grateful for our body and hell yes I am this morning. Although I’m still feeling drowsy despite the intense exercise. I usually wake up by the time we finish the session but… meh. Not really today. I think I’m still processing quite a lot from yesterday’s session and my body’s taking it slowly. Totally normal.
Jump into the shower, wear some jeans and comfy t-shirt and make myself some breakfast.
It’s cloudy and rainy today. Have my porridge in front of the laptop and Random Playlist plays Billy Joel’s ‘And So It Goes’. Fuck. Here we go again. Porridge, coffee and tears. Oh well, what can we do. Let it out, girl. Let it all out. Nothing like a good release to start the day, what’s the point of repressing anymore.
It’s also Mom’s birthday. We usually celebrate it apart, but Mom and Hubby usually visit me around this time of the year and we celebrate it either before or after. I’m planning to send her a birthday present –digitally, of course. Go to my drawing materials and rescue the set of watercolours.
Take the pencil and start drawing. It’s been so long. I’ve inspired myself in a picture we have when I was a toddler. She was playing with me and I was wearing her sunglasses in the trolley. I set the scene in the park she used to take me, close to where we used to live. Drawing the scene soothes me. My hand knows exactly how to translate the image I have in my brain. The lines flow where they’re meant to be so I don’t need to rubber much off.
As I’m colouring, Elvis Costello’s cover of ‘She’ plays in the background. I bet Random Playlist knows it’s Mom’s birthday. It’s one of her favourite songs. I’m connecting both with myself and Mom at the same time. It makes colouring even more soothing. I forgot how relaxing painting with my watercolours felt.
Finish pretty happy with the result. I think she’ll like it.
Send her my second birthday wish along with a picture of the card and yes, she likes it. I’ll give it to her when I’m back along with a massive hug.
Get on with work and entertain myself looking at the views from the window. I can spot the neighbour from the opposite house working. I’ve noticed her before. She always wears a big, burgundy jumper. Wakes up pretty early and finishes rather late. I like to think she’s also a writer. She seems used to the routine and some days she has lunch in front of the desktop. Today’s one of those days. Finishes her bowl of soup and carries on working. I marvel at how focused she looks.
I think I would get on well with her had I had the chance to meet her someday. I also wonder if she sees me as I see her… she might probably think of me as the manic dancer or something similar. Oh well.
Call Mom and Hubby. They’re having lunch and I pour myself a bit of wine to cheer with them for her birthday. We have lunch together and it feels very good. They’ve ordered some fancy food and are having vino fino because it’s still Feria. I have a salad with some leftovers of the pasta, half avocado, tuna and pepper (I need to do the shopping sooner than later…) but get some chocolate with orange as a tiny celebration dessert –her favourite.
They tell me I look radiant today. I’m happy to hear it even more than other days. I tell them I’ve been crying my eyes out this morning and haven’t got a drop of make-up. So much release is making me glow, apparently. I guess it’s like having a dump. A big energetic dump.
After lunch I get on writing and dance for a while to shake the energy up. Tonight I have a gong bath meditation and I’m a bit wary, last time was pretty intense and I’ve been releasing quite a lot of emotions lately.
Well, turns out as the most relaxing and happy meditation practice I’ve had so far. It’s funny how the subconscious works. In the meditation I feel I’m in some sort of dream. I see myself in this house, deep in the shadows. And there’s this demon sitting on an armchair by a crippling fireplace. I get in and say ‘hey, what’s up?’ I know exactly who he is. He used to be in my nightmares pretty often. We give each other a hug. He says he’s glad I’m not scared of him anymore. Now the only thing he’s capable of is making sarcastic jokes. We have a long chat and a great laugh. He’s pretty cool. Like a Rockstar.
I like him.
We say bye and give each other another big, warm hug. As I’m leaving he gives me a big smile and says he’ll stay around in my sarcasm. I say that’s more than fair enough. ‘Can’t wait, man! See ya ‘round!’.
Facing my darkness has never felt so good.
Wake up from the meditation laughing. I didn’t know that was possible.
Dad texts me with his daily feedback on the post. He’s also amazed by the amount of detail of Harry Style’s music video. The amount of detail you would have in an indigestion nightmare.
That’s a fresh perspective.
I’m curious, so I watch the video again… hm… I have to say it does look like an intense dream, to be honest. One of those I would have after eating too many fries for dinner. All the elements are there: the night, the beach, random lights, random scenes and many sweaty people.
Yeah…I know what you mean, Dad.
I bet if Mr. Style’s fans read this I would be prosecuted with torches defending his pride but now I can’t think of anything but indigestion every time I look at the video. I mean, what can I say? Nothing but my truth.
Anyway, it’s only a diary.
Make an omelette and heat the butternut squash soup for dinner. I’m starving. Finish ‘How To Train Your Dragon’ and make a herbal tea to relax before hitting the bed.
Set the alarm pretty early. I’m planning to go back to the watercolours before starting my day.
So glad mom inspired me to go back to them.