If We All Wish For Something, Can The Wish Come True?

I really wish we all had a button that reminded us we can be kind. I really do. If I had a wish, I think that would be it. Some alarm that goes off every time we’re heading out of kindness and stops us from acting like monsters.

I wish we could.

It’s been a tough week for various reasons. I guess it’s the way this pandemic goes. Some weeks are fine, some others are harsh. I swear I’ve tried to navigate through it with kindness, but I guess reading the news about another cruel killing based on racism didn’t help much.

I feel the urge to write about it. I really want to say something that helps somehow —just a tiny bit. But I just can’t find the words. I can’t even put myself in the place of this man, nor his family, nor a whole community who lives fear on a daily base, in addition to the fear and uncertainty the world is going through right now.

I just don’t know. It saddens me that now that we need kindness the most, we still have so much cruelty and hate going on.

So I go out and walk. And think. And I can’t help but having this tragedy in my mind for the whole week. Can’t help but thinking, for fuck’s sake, what is wrong with this planet?

This week I have the real need of finding something that explains just a tiny bit the reason why this is still happening. Part of my expertise is intercultural communication, so I should know something about the reason behind —or at least grasp the surface of it. Towards the end of the week the need becomes an urge. I just have to know why and how.

Go to my bookshelf and rescue one of the key reference books from my Master’s degree: Hofstede’s ‘Cultures and Organisations’.

I know I should do much more research but for the purpose of self-reflection I stick to this one.

The anthropologist in me knows there are human behaviour patterns that will give me the answer to some extent. Something plain and simple that will make me understand why we still do what we do even when the world is going through so much shit right now. That’s all I need right now.

Flip through the pages as I used to when I was in the middle of my research assignments. I’m looking for some kind of answer so don’t entertain myself with reading extra information.

Page 12.

I think I found something.

I look at the question: why is intergroup conflict still with us if it is so obviously destructive?

That’s basically what I want to know. Let’s see what Hofstede has to say on this.

In a nutshell, the reason behind is that we do not use the same moral rules for members of our group as we do for others.

But let’s start by the beginning.

We, as humans, have the need to categorise everything in what I call “moral boxes.” That helps us deal with the mess of life much easier. Ever since we’re little, we learn to distinguish what is right and what is wrong, what is acceptable and unacceptable, what is moral and immoral, and so forth. And we learn this from our most direct environment –usually family and school. The older we get, the more boxes we have, and the more complex they get.

We start creating patterns of behaviour based on the shared values, heroes and traditions of the community we’re raised at. This creates what Hofstede defines as ‘moral circle’.

And we all have it. That’s how we’re wired.

As we grow, these moral circles might change, expand or evolve depending on our own personal development. So basically, we have moral boxes and fill them with content that our moral circle gives us. Taking totally general examples: Catholics would say it is right to go to mass every Sunday. Muslims would say it’s immoral eating pork. In India arranged marriage is right, and so forth. You get what I mean. It doesn’t mean that it is essentially right or wrong. It’s all about the content we put in the boxes.

We feel we’re part of the same ‘moral circle’ when we share these contents in the boxes, and we behave according to our boxes, and all is harmony in our moral circle. Everyone thinks in the same way.

But then, something happens. We encounter someone outside our moral circle. We encounter someone different.

And the hopeful response would be something like “oh! Cool! I’m going to learn more things and expand my moral circle! How exciting!”

Sadly, we know that doesn’t really happen.

In fact , it is quite the opposite: we disconnect completely from those who don’t belong to our moral circle. And it doesn’t need to be anything major. Imagine someone from the rival football team. We know it’s not as easy to like them because for our unconscious brains, they’re bad. Your team is the good one and they’re the shitty ones. Anything they do will be wrong (even if it’s the same thing a fellow supporter of your team did 10 minutes before). Anything they do affects you in a much more negative way because they are THE OTHERS.

Shame on them.

Up to this point, we tend to lose our rational selves and become purely irrational. That’s the shit of being human. When stress or other intense emotions kick in we tend to lose it. And we don’t think. We give into the feels and that can be a very dangerous weapon if we get carried away by darkness.

And we do the craziest things like setting negative expectations according to the colour of the skin, or the way they think, or the religion they belong to, or anything that is different to our soft, secure, (always right, never wrong) moral circle.

And when something happens, we have a go at them. Mostly when we are in an irrational mode caused by stress or fear. We don’t usually have a go at people when we’re happy or relaxed.

And we wouldn’t target those from our moral circle because they’re cool, we’re not monsters, right?

So we have a go at those we know we have no attachment with whatsoever and usually are in a weaker position. We want to feel superior. We want to feel we’re in control when we have no control of anything else. We cling onto the values, heroes and traditions we embedded back when we were little sponges in our childhood.

But if we were raised up in a moral circle that promotes a sickening set of values then.. oh well, we’re kinda fucked.

Because then, it seems easier to tweak the content of our moral boxes depending on who we’re dealing with. “Oh, this person is different to me, then it’s alright if I choke him to death because he’s outside my moral circle and I’m doing my job.”

At this point is when the whole thing turns my stomach inside out.

Because the reality is that, right now we’re not on a rational mode. None of us. We all are dealing with high levels of uncertainty, anxiety and fear. Even if we want to normalise this situation, we’re not in a normal, nor secure environment. We all are in shit. Therefore, the triggers become way more sensitive. And it’s unfair that just by the colour of your skin people you have to deal with a higher level of uncertainty and anxiety, and there’s no system in place to back you up.

And I wonder, what can we do about it?

Even though I’m very hopeful and my whole self wants to believe some day we’ll live in a society that appreciates and values difference, I’m afraid my reflection is not very positive at the moment.

The reason behind is that we need to tap down to our set of values. Those that we were taught back when we were children and make us react in some way or another on an unconscious level (mostly you’ll find them shining bright when you’re pissed off —see how and who you yell at the next time you feel… intense.)

The issue of this is that everything roots down to… EDUCATION. And that takes time, patience, hard work, and an efficient and reliable system coming from the government and institutions in order to make sure everyone embeds a set of values based on tolerance, inclusion and openness to dialogue from an early age.  

Because, the cruel truth is, we don’t know how not to be racist. Even if our intentions are the purest. It’s the negative effect of centuries of cultural inertia. This is the saddest truth I have ever encountered with. Although there is hope, un-learning certain behaviour patterns and acquiring new, healthy ones, is an ambitious enterprise that requires setting effective tools and professionals who know what they’re doing and how they can teach it. And that’s a lot of work and investment. And in all honesty, I guess governments like ignorant people far too much to give up on them.

They’re way easier to control.

So, am I hopeful future generations will set the way towards a more tolerant, inclusive world? If I had another wish I could make, it would be that one.

I really, really wish that would happen.

In the meantime, all we can do is be brave enough to have a look at our own set of values, and see whether there’s something we can improve (spoiler: there’s always something). But putting all the pressure on the citizens is not fair either. We need the support of the “parents” of every nation to help us educate ourselves on this. Without them we’re just a bunch of confused children trying to learn how to read without a teacher.

We need the guidance and support to reach this.

I reflect and… maybe this doesn’t solve anything but sometimes it only takes to grasp the surface to start making progress.

At least, all we can do right now is being kind. That’s something we all can achieve.