Friday.
Shaking the devil off has left me in such a peaceful sleep, I wake up full of energy and get up feeling like Cinderella before the birds start pissing her off by pulling her braids.
After meditation and herbal tea, I open the curtains and it’s such a lovely, sunny day… I can feel it’s going to be a hot day. No workers for today either… Good. I can peacefully have breakfast in my pyjamas.
Although, thinking about it, not a good idea because then I end up in pyjamas all day and my body goes on thicko mode when I don’t wear any make-up or red lippy on. So I pick my favourite summer dress, put make-up and red lippy on and head down for breakfast. Much more active.
The power of the mind –and red lippy, is amazing.
After a morning working under the sun I take a break and think. Some days seem to be very repetitive. Wake up, meditate, red lippy, work, blah. I really try to see something different but after 50 days in confinement, I just can’t find anything. Head to the balcony and see all these people walking up and down the street with no mask, no protection, heading to have a picnic somewhere… and I wish I could, really. Talking to bees is fun but I miss talking to people face to face and not feeling threatened about it. Or, I don’t know, walking around the streets care-free for a coffee and catch someone’s eye. Little details that used to make my day and didn’t entirely depend on my attitude towards life.
I miss the normal stuff.
Read the news. UK is reaching the highest number of deaths and people are still walking around care-free as if that doesn’t have anything to do with them. As if they were Corona-proof or something.
And it really pisses me off.
And my normal self would say ‘oh, it’s a sunny Friday and I should be grateful for the sun and the good weather, and my balcony’ but I feel caged and I can’t help but feeling annoyed with everyone who’s out taking the piss at the confinement measures.
Sure, so much clapping on Thursdays at 8 but where are your masks when you’re walking up and down the street? I might not head out to clap but I stay home as long as my fridge lets me.
I guess it’s a question of priorities.
I read lockdown measures are going to be softened. For fuck’s sake, aren’t they already soft?
And I could talk about banalities of my day such as dancing and how I’m trying to find the silver lining everyday but today I am very annoyed. And for the first time in 50 days I feel some fear. Fear of being forced to go back to work and getting the virus and yes, fear of dying due to other’s irresponsibility. Fear of being released to the bombs far too soon. Fear lead by powerlessness.
And I feel The Scream is shouting out loud over my head. And I can’t shut it up because it’s far too loud. I’m pissed off and worried. One part of my head tells me “you shouldn’t have read the news. You were at a much better place in your rainbow world before reading them” but the other half goes “oh, well, it’s also important to have a piece of reality so you can remind yourself why you need to stay home”. Both sides are partially right but I choose to listen to the second voice. Seems wiser.
A cold shower of reality is important to understand the reason why I’m choosing to boil in my balcony on a sunny Friday and not outside.
So here it goes. Yoda against The Scream on an epic battle while sitting in my balcony contemplating the butterflies.
And I realise it’s a very good opportunity to put in practice what I learned in the last couple of courses on intuition. Sit, observe and wait. I could vent off and tell everyone how pissed off I am today but I decide not to give The Scream such a big stage because that’s exactly what it wants. That’s the power it’s craving for.
Not giving in.
Harder to say than do but somehow I manage. It’s painful, though. The Scream is taking over control and it’s really good at it. But I sit, and observe, and wait. Wait until it shuts up. Make a list. Change the bedsheets. Empty the bins.
Make space physically and mentally.
End up having a shower and meditating. I can understand Mom when she feels fear is taking control because, what can you do when this bitch hits your roof?
And after the shower I realise. You can’t do much. Navigate through the feeling as well as I can and breathe. And try to let go.
I choose to write about Mom, Sis and I for a project called ‘Eat, darling, eat’. It’s all about mother-daughter relationships with food, recipes and confinement and they’re collecting stories of all kinds. The story comes out easily. The bottom line is how much I wish I could go back to normality and help them in the kitchen by staying away and putting on the table.
But to get there, we all need to hibernate, and be responsible, and understand that this is not a holiday but an emergency. And get rid of our egos and think a bit more of the rest. Being responsible when the lines are blurred.
End up watching a random movie and passing out within the first half of the movie… it’s been a hard battle today, but I think Yoda won at the nick of time. I just have to keep hoping, keep thinking everything will be fine.
The power of the mind is immense.