An Ode To Mess.

At that moment, when the world around him melted away, when he stood alone like a star in the heavens, he was overwhelmed by a feeling of icy despair, but he was more firmly himself than ever. That was the last shudder of his awakening, the last pains of birth. 

—Hermann Hesse, Siddartha.

Oh Christmas season, can you feel it?

Us Londoners are already used to the lovely jingles since early November but who cares, now that we have reached December we can say it is officially Christmas season. The city dresses up with insane quantities of lights and it looks just lovely. And if you live abroad, just like me, you may be expecting a couple of visits around this time too.

Last weekend, while having drinks with some friends who were visiting town, one of them commented on how much she liked my cartoons.

“They are so honest” —she would say, “I love how you show your disastrous life always keeping your chin up”.

Flattering.

I couldn’t help but laugh and say fair enough. It was the most accurate description I could get of my life lately.

Later on that evening, trying to get some sleep I started to reflect on her comment, and thought yes, it might be disastrous but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

It’s funny how life gives you blessings. 

Sometimes they can be hidden within a thick mass of suffering and discomfort. Sometimes they just wait until you’re ready to take them. Some other times they will only show up when you’re able to see them. 

Looking back where I was one year ago I wouldn’t believe being happy in the mess would be possible. Hence my 2019 has been a blessing in a very twisted, chaotic and hectic way, but a blessing after all. 

Because, what is life but a whole mass of mess and chaos? 

Over my teens and twenties I had a “mild” obsession with mapping my life out. I would always have an A plan, a B plan in case A didn’t work and a C one in case the previous two didn’t go that well. Control freak? Nah. Let’s say I liked contention plans. 

And funny enough, it all would just go all over the place every time I had a plan. So I guess over the last decade, life has taken charge of teaching me that those plans don’t mean a thing because at the end of the day, life is mess at its purest. 

And you can’t plan much in advance when the storm hits your roof and you have cows flying over your head. 

If I had to find a highlight for my 2019 it would be that it has led me to happiness in the least expected places. In the messiest situations. All I had to do was being true to myself. All I had to do was being open to change, unlocking my barriers, giving up what didn’t make me happy. Decision-making can be hard, but it hits smoother when you know it’s the right thing for you. 

Did it hurt? Hell yes. Was it easy? Not a single bit. Did I regret? Not for a second.

Despite the tears, I knew I had to dry them and carry on. Surfing the storm by going through the motions and giving time and patience to heal over.

Because at some point over the last months, I realised I had wings and I could use them to fly farer than I ever imagined. And let me tell you, that’s the best feeling one could ever have. 

I don’t know what 2020 will have ready for me, but all I can say is that I am grateful for the learning curve of these last 10 years, especially 2019. It will always have a special place in my heart and I’m immensely grateful for that. 

So for this new year –and new decade, I hope you love unconditionally, surf the waves of chaos and laugh when you fall, so you can get back on board and carry on more determined than before. 

I wish you tons of messy happiness.